Drown in fire

The worst part is looking back and knowing that I was wrong or that I was lied to. The only thing that bothers me is that I am still totally lost. I only know the few things I’ve been told, and that’s not much at all. So here I am, in the dark,  pushing along until I find light…and believe it or not, I think I may be able to see that light. I’m tired of being the only one who is hurting, it’s about time for you to hurt. I don’t want to be that bad guy who wishes awful things unto the people he knows…but..I kinda really hope you get hurt and realize how stupid you were. I’m sorry..well…no I’m not. For once, it isn’t my fault that I lost someone. It is however my fault for doing what I’ve been doing to myself mentally, blaming myself and whatnot. I don’t typically want to see anyone get hurt, but what you did was pretty shitty and I hope you know that. I hope that’s why you won’t talk to me. I hope he was worth losing me. I hope he hurts you. I hope you think about it all the time. I hope you get reminded of me every day. I hope you hate yourself. I want you to know how bad you’ve hurt me, and then I want you to hurt. I’m sick of being the one who hurts. When you’ve gotten past this wall that you’ve built then you can let me know and try to explain to me what you were thinking, until then, I want you to drown in all pain that you’ve welled up. I’m not as bad of a person as I sound here, but if you (who ever is reading this) knew what had happened then you’d think is ok. Not a single person that I’ve explained this to thinks I’m in the wrong. So, when you finally can’t take it anymore, then come to me. You can try to be angry at me all you want, but I’ve done nothing wrong..and deep down, you know it. And that KILLS you. Eventually I hope to fix all of this shit, but that’s all on you, not me. You’re going to have to rebuild all of our bridges, everything that we had built, you burned. The past will always be there, and it will always be fantastic, but that doesn’t make the future any easier. It’s not just going to take a “I miss you” for things to be alright again. I can’t trust anyone because of you, I won’t allow myself. I’ve blocked out my best friends because I won’t let myself get hurt again. You’ve ruined me and I hope that burns a hole in your heart and tears you apart. 

I’ll be waiting to try to fix things. I’ll be waiting, like you promised to do with me, but I’ll actually wait. I don’t like to break my promises. So, it’s come to this again, waiting for you to grow up..again. I don’t think I’ll ever learn. 


A journey to rebuild what once was

Stop watch

The importance of such a small thing can be incredibly great. I cherish this like I would something that a dying family member would give me. I don’t know what I would have done if I were to permanently lose you. I know that I now have to rebuild our trust and our friendship, but I’d rather that than never see or talk to you again. You are one of my best friends and I care about you so so much.
I want you to see your pocket watch and think of me. I want you to think of it as a symbol of the time until I see you again.