I’m tired of feeling alone.
I’m tired of pouring my heart into people who are never there.
I’m tired of waiting for happiness.
I’m tired of disregarding my emotions.
I’m tired of feigning happiness for the sake of others.
I’m tired of expecting disappointment.
I’m tired of being disappointed.
I’m tired of wishing someone would care.
I’m tired of feeling like no one cares.
I’m tired of being shattered by the people who say they care.
I’m tired of breathing.
I’m so tired
And all I want is to rest my eyes
We’re all walking around with these glossy eyes. “I’m just tired”, we say. But you know what? It’s bullshit. Yes, we are tired, but it’s not all from lack of sleep. We are tired of waking up with nothing to look forward to, tired of going to bed exhausted after doing a million things we find no enjoyment in doing. We’re tired of this void of the loneliness that presses down on us even though we’re surrounded by dozens of people. So why can’t we just say it? Humans are so afraid to look into each others eyes and say “I am unhappy, I am broken, I am hopeless and fallible.” We’ve been conditioned to associate pain with weakness, sadness with coldness, loneliness with unworthiness, difference with disease, as if these feelings are contagious, as if ambivalence is something not to be felt but to be feared. Well, I say screw all of that. Screw forced smiles and polite handshakes and “I’m fine, thank you”s. Screw the fear of crying in a public place, screw the fake chipper voice, screw the lies we spit out to cover up our problems. We are humans. We are meant to feel. To feel everything and to feel it openly. We are not mental, we are flesh and bone. Our boiled blood courses through our cold, clammy hands. We are intricate and beautiful and we should never hide our human parts, because if we do, then what’s left so show?
The worst part is looking back and knowing that I was wrong or that I was lied to. The only thing that bothers me is that I am still totally lost. I only know the few things I’ve been told, and that’s not much at all. So here I am, in the dark, pushing along until I find light…and believe it or not, I think I may be able to see that light. I’m tired of being the only one who is hurting, it’s about time for you to hurt. I don’t want to be that bad guy who wishes awful things unto the people he knows…but..I kinda really hope you get hurt and realize how stupid you were. I’m sorry..well…no I’m not. For once, it isn’t my fault that I lost someone. It is however my fault for doing what I’ve been doing to myself mentally, blaming myself and whatnot. I don’t typically want to see anyone get hurt, but what you did was pretty shitty and I hope you know that. I hope that’s why you won’t talk to me. I hope he was worth losing me. I hope he hurts you. I hope you think about it all the time. I hope you get reminded of me every day. I hope you hate yourself. I want you to know how bad you’ve hurt me, and then I want you to hurt. I’m sick of being the one who hurts. When you’ve gotten past this wall that you’ve built then you can let me know and try to explain to me what you were thinking, until then, I want you to drown in all pain that you’ve welled up. I’m not as bad of a person as I sound here, but if you (who ever is reading this) knew what had happened then you’d think is ok. Not a single person that I’ve explained this to thinks I’m in the wrong. So, when you finally can’t take it anymore, then come to me. You can try to be angry at me all you want, but I’ve done nothing wrong..and deep down, you know it. And that KILLS you. Eventually I hope to fix all of this shit, but that’s all on you, not me. You’re going to have to rebuild all of our bridges, everything that we had built, you burned. The past will always be there, and it will always be fantastic, but that doesn’t make the future any easier. It’s not just going to take a “I miss you” for things to be alright again. I can’t trust anyone because of you, I won’t allow myself. I’ve blocked out my best friends because I won’t let myself get hurt again. You’ve ruined me and I hope that burns a hole in your heart and tears you apart.
I’ll be waiting to try to fix things. I’ll be waiting, like you promised to do with me, but I’ll actually wait. I don’t like to break my promises. So, it’s come to this again, waiting for you to grow up..again. I don’t think I’ll ever learn.