I’m not alone in the house, but I’m awake. Everyone is so far away in their slumber that they can’t hear me walking around the house, they aren’t bothered by my noise. I’m a ghost walking through the dark, barely lit rooms. Nobody notices me. It’s peaceful. A lonely peacefulness that soothes the want for interaction. I can move from room to room, I can exist, and it doesn’t bother anyone. Nobody to be annoyed by the creaky floor, nobody to notice me from the next room over. It’s nice to be able to just…be, without anyone else knowing, without bothering anyone else. To exist without having to bother anyone.
I had a doctors appointment today with a new doctor. I had to switch because my previous doctor was leaving, so it was forced upon me :/. The change sucked and I have to get used to another person, who I am not yet comfortable with.
He upped my dosage from 50mg to 100mg and told me that if this dosage doesn’t work he’s switching my medicine. I’m not really excited about a med switch, but if it has to happen then so be it I guess. He also put me on Trazodone to help me sleep during the nights that I can’t.
My sleep pattern has been all over the place. I’ll either fall asleep at 5 and wake up at 9 or sleep from 1am to 1pm and then still nap for nearly 2 hours. When I was on 50mg of the zoloft my nights were awful. Every night it felt like I was so far away from any other person, like I was so alone. No matter what happened through the day my nights have been just pure shit.
I’m trying to do more. Look for a job, talk to friends, just get up and go for a walk, but I just can’t sometimes. I feel weighed down most days, not feeling like myself.
I miss being happy, feeling good about things…smiling. Am I able to be me again? Through these medications and hopes that they’ll work?
I think what I miss the most, is being me.
I try to sleep, hoping for a quick transition into the black nothingness that is sleep. It’s never that easy though. I lay awake at night, suffering through my past failures, faults, what I should’ve done or said, where I would be if I did something different…just one thing. I would lay awake at night for hours, inside of my own head, inside of the purgatory somewhere between sleep and consciousness. The white walls of my room taunting me with their peaceful blankness, seeming to soak up all sound.
My body tricks me. I’ll be tired, or…I think I’m tired, so I go to bed. But I just lie there, trying to slip away. This was every night. So I stay awake until I am physically and mentally worn out. 3 am, sometimes 5.
Sleeping used to be so easy. You just lay down and fall into your dream, or nightmare, sometimes nothing at all. Dreaming…hmph..that’s something else. Sleep is my escape from my life. I like to dream, because I get to be happy in my dreams, but eventually I wake up and realize that it wasn’t real. I hate waking up from dreams. At least nightmares make me happy to wake up. Sometimes I prefer the nightmares, they make it easier to transition into the real world. I wish I didn’t dream at all, that it was all just blackness. The blackness is the easiest, most peaceful.
I have to make a choice at night. Do I want to torture myself by staying up until I’m falling asleep where I sit, or do I want to go to bed now and be punished by my mind?
Last weekend I had one of the best nights of my life, and I will never forget it. Finally…FINALLY getting to sleep with her in my arms. I dreamed of that night for months and finally it happened. I hadn’t seen her in months, since January and I had missed her so much. Her loving touch, her hands in mine, her warm embrace, her kiss. I missed her touch. I couldn’t hold her close enough when I saw her for the first time again. Everything about that weekend was perfect. I wish I could have that every weekend…or every night. I felt so at home with her, like that was where I was meant to be, with my arms around her. Everything just felt so right.
It hasn’t been a week since I last saw her and I already miss her so much. The day she left all I wanted was her to come back so we could spend just a little more time together. Every night I remember back to holding her as we slept. I miss her touch again. That weekend was pure perfection, the truest form of love that I have ever experienced. It was just us, nothing else mattered. Just her and I, no one else, no lies, no drama, nothing but us. I already long to see her again. I would give anything to have her every day, every night.
Have you ever been in that stationary position in your life where the days don’t matter? You don’t know what date it is unless you look at your phone. You sleep most of the day away and your family doesn’t even say anything about it anymore because it’s just become normal for them to never see you. They see you two or three times a day, for an hour a day, tops. Nothing is entertaining anymore, the games you played, the shows you watched, the movies that are available, music. The only thing that keeps the boredom away is talking to someone. You desperately try to talk to people, but you barely have anyone. Two, maybe three people are there to talk to you. You barely sleep at night because you have nowhere to go, nothing important to do. Ever.
I’m not the only one, am I?
It’s very lonely. Yeah, people talk to me, but it’s deeper than that. I’m tired of being alone.
We may be miles away from each other but we still spend our nights together. I see you nearly every night, for hours and hours we talk. Making one another smile and laugh. Getting to see your face and hear your voice almost every night is absolutely wonderful. Seeing you helps me sleep. It makes me feel comfortable. Hearing your voice makes me smile and calms me. I dream of you nearly every night. I could only think of one thing to make it better. If I could hold you in my arms and fall asleep with you. To wake up and see you in the morning.
I spend most of my days looking forward to seeing you at night.
You busy yourself with the vapid and the mindless. You distract yourself. You disconnect from the real to escape that nagging feeling. The feeling is deep and difficult to identify. It tells you something is wrong. It tells you that you are alone. You are unsatisfied. You gloss over what you’ve accomplished and feel nothing. You examine in detail, all the ways you’ve failed, and you feel pain. You’re surrounded by the things you do not have: another person to care for you, like you wish to care for someone else, the knowledge that you’ve lived up to your potential. A sense of fulfillment. You search for these things and find only a vacuum, an absence. You find that no one goes to sleep thinking of you. No one wonders if you are thinking of them. You come to realize that everyone you speak to would rather, at the moment, be speaking to someone else. You are replaceable and disappointing. Will the future hold something better? Will you achieve something according to your own standards? You can only hope. But that nagging feeling comes back, it reminds you of the way you are. Your dreams may come true but the happiness will grow old and fade away. You always come back to that feeling. So you disengage. You distract. Facebook, Twitter, music, movies. You find time to interact with friends but those interactions serve only to remind you your place with everyone else. Secondary, unimportant, forgettable. So you disconnect. You keep doing this, a day at a time, a week at a time, till the months slip away and you realize that this isn’t a slump, it is not a stage, this is life. Average. Boring. Alone. You try to forget but you can’t. You try to change but you’re weak. You see only one simple option, one clear way out. To sleep forever, to never be troubled, to never face a deadline, to never face embarrassment, to stop feeling afraid. To be at peace. You get the tools, you make the choice, you lie back. You disconnect.