I’m not alone in the house, but I’m awake. Everyone is so far away in their slumber that they can’t hear me walking around the house, they aren’t bothered by my noise. I’m a ghost walking through the dark, barely lit rooms. Nobody notices me. It’s peaceful. A lonely peacefulness that soothes the want for interaction. I can move from room to room, I can exist, and it doesn’t bother anyone. Nobody to be annoyed by the creaky floor, nobody to notice me from the next room over. It’s nice to be able to just…be, without anyone else knowing, without bothering anyone else. To exist without having to bother anyone.
I stand outside every night and look up at the moon, thinking of you. Wondering if you might happen to cast a glace upwards. Wondering if by some chance you might be thinking about me. Wondering if somehow you can feel me.
As I look at the moon I think of you sleeping, and I wish I was there with you.
I feel close to you when I’m looking at the moon.
I’ll always love the moon, whether it’s shining or not.
I try to sleep, hoping for a quick transition into the black nothingness that is sleep. It’s never that easy though. I lay awake at night, suffering through my past failures, faults, what I should’ve done or said, where I would be if I did something different…just one thing. I would lay awake at night for hours, inside of my own head, inside of the purgatory somewhere between sleep and consciousness. The white walls of my room taunting me with their peaceful blankness, seeming to soak up all sound.
My body tricks me. I’ll be tired, or…I think I’m tired, so I go to bed. But I just lie there, trying to slip away. This was every night. So I stay awake until I am physically and mentally worn out. 3 am, sometimes 5.
Sleeping used to be so easy. You just lay down and fall into your dream, or nightmare, sometimes nothing at all. Dreaming…hmph..that’s something else. Sleep is my escape from my life. I like to dream, because I get to be happy in my dreams, but eventually I wake up and realize that it wasn’t real. I hate waking up from dreams. At least nightmares make me happy to wake up. Sometimes I prefer the nightmares, they make it easier to transition into the real world. I wish I didn’t dream at all, that it was all just blackness. The blackness is the easiest, most peaceful.
I have to make a choice at night. Do I want to torture myself by staying up until I’m falling asleep where I sit, or do I want to go to bed now and be punished by my mind?
Last weekend I had one of the best nights of my life, and I will never forget it. Finally…FINALLY getting to sleep with her in my arms. I dreamed of that night for months and finally it happened. I hadn’t seen her in months, since January and I had missed her so much. Her loving touch, her hands in mine, her warm embrace, her kiss. I missed her touch. I couldn’t hold her close enough when I saw her for the first time again. Everything about that weekend was perfect. I wish I could have that every weekend…or every night. I felt so at home with her, like that was where I was meant to be, with my arms around her. Everything just felt so right.
It hasn’t been a week since I last saw her and I already miss her so much. The day she left all I wanted was her to come back so we could spend just a little more time together. Every night I remember back to holding her as we slept. I miss her touch again. That weekend was pure perfection, the truest form of love that I have ever experienced. It was just us, nothing else mattered. Just her and I, no one else, no lies, no drama, nothing but us. I already long to see her again. I would give anything to have her every day, every night.
We may be miles away from each other but we still spend our nights together. I see you nearly every night, for hours and hours we talk. Making one another smile and laugh. Getting to see your face and hear your voice almost every night is absolutely wonderful. Seeing you helps me sleep. It makes me feel comfortable. Hearing your voice makes me smile and calms me. I dream of you nearly every night. I could only think of one thing to make it better. If I could hold you in my arms and fall asleep with you. To wake up and see you in the morning.
I spend most of my days looking forward to seeing you at night.