I used to love.

Have you ever told someone you love them?

I love you.

I love you too.

Do you still love them? Are they still around to love? Do they still love you?

It’s funny because “I love you” gets thrown around a lot. It’s not as special as you once thought it was, is it? Love used to see so special but now you know that it only leads to pain. Love will never have a happy ending, ever. No matter the outcome, it’s going to be tragic. One way or another, the person you love will be gone. Best case scenario, you fall in love with someone, marry them and live together forever. Then what happens? One of you dies and the other is left to grieve, alone. That is literally the best thing to come out of love. You wait your entire life for the most pain you will ever feel. Love is awful.

I’m sick of saying I love you only for that person to leave…even if they were the one to say it first. I’m sick of loving someone who left. “I love you” turns into i love you as a brother turns into I want you to be happy turns into a broken friendship. I’m not talking about one moment or person in particular, this happens to be a trend in my life.

I’m sick of love and the pain it brings. I’m sick of seeing people love and their ignorance towards it. It’s not a thing of happiness, it’s a thing of time. You can only love for so long before the love starts to hurt and tear at your heart.

I don’t want to love again, it hurts too much.


Sticks and stones

Sticks and stones

I’m sure everyone has heard that term “Sticks and stone may break my bones, but words may never hurt me”. You know what that was? That was a lie. Stick and stones will leave visible cuts, scratches, bruises, broken bones, scars, but all of that will heal or go away with time. Words however, will leave invisible scars that will bury themselves deep in your brain and will torment you for as long as they remain. They could only be there a few days, weeks, months, hell..they could stick with you for the rest of your life. I’m 20 years old and I can still remember being called names when I was 9.

People can see the marks left behind from physical pain, not mental pain. You can carry those things with you in your head forever and not a single person would ever know unless you told them. Physical and mental pain are two completely different things, and children are some of the most gullible people on Earth and will let words hurt them so much if they let it. That is when a lot of peoples problems start, during childhood, with mean names and bad words. Crying to your parents that someone in class called you a name or laughed at you for having big teeth, or big ears, or glasses.

I understand that that saying is supposed to help children learn to not listen to what people have to say, but children don’t understand that. When I was told that I had no idea what it meant. I didn’t know that it was a tiny door that lead to a huge world of depression. I had no idea the underlying meaning behind that saying. No child can see how deep it really is. They think it’s just a neato rhyme to say when people are saying mean things to them.

Once you have those things in your mind, it’s very hard to get them out. Even when you think they are gone they can come right back when you just want the world to leave you alone. Sticks and stones leave marks that go away, words stay with you forever.

Just live

The worst decision I have ever made was indecision. I either made a mistake and learned from it, or did something right and was proud. I can only offer the advice that my more outgoing side always offers me: “Fuck it”. Shit happens, the sun will rise in the morning. Don’t be afraid of mistakes, be afraid of never getting a second chance. Throw caution to the wind and never look back. The past happened, we’re just going to have to live and learn from it. Go talk to her, go give him a chance. Don’t be afraid of who you are. We don’t need their approval to be happy. 

I don’t know you. I don’t know what you’re going through. No matter how much I hurt, I will not let someone else hurt more. My time is worth your happiness, and if I do nothing more in this life than try to help someone, then the universe can go fuck itself. I played my part. 

Drown in fire

The worst part is looking back and knowing that I was wrong or that I was lied to. The only thing that bothers me is that I am still totally lost. I only know the few things I’ve been told, and that’s not much at all. So here I am, in the dark,  pushing along until I find light…and believe it or not, I think I may be able to see that light. I’m tired of being the only one who is hurting, it’s about time for you to hurt. I don’t want to be that bad guy who wishes awful things unto the people he knows…but..I kinda really hope you get hurt and realize how stupid you were. I’m sorry..well…no I’m not. For once, it isn’t my fault that I lost someone. It is however my fault for doing what I’ve been doing to myself mentally, blaming myself and whatnot. I don’t typically want to see anyone get hurt, but what you did was pretty shitty and I hope you know that. I hope that’s why you won’t talk to me. I hope he was worth losing me. I hope he hurts you. I hope you think about it all the time. I hope you get reminded of me every day. I hope you hate yourself. I want you to know how bad you’ve hurt me, and then I want you to hurt. I’m sick of being the one who hurts. When you’ve gotten past this wall that you’ve built then you can let me know and try to explain to me what you were thinking, until then, I want you to drown in all pain that you’ve welled up. I’m not as bad of a person as I sound here, but if you (who ever is reading this) knew what had happened then you’d think is ok. Not a single person that I’ve explained this to thinks I’m in the wrong. So, when you finally can’t take it anymore, then come to me. You can try to be angry at me all you want, but I’ve done nothing wrong..and deep down, you know it. And that KILLS you. Eventually I hope to fix all of this shit, but that’s all on you, not me. You’re going to have to rebuild all of our bridges, everything that we had built, you burned. The past will always be there, and it will always be fantastic, but that doesn’t make the future any easier. It’s not just going to take a “I miss you” for things to be alright again. I can’t trust anyone because of you, I won’t allow myself. I’ve blocked out my best friends because I won’t let myself get hurt again. You’ve ruined me and I hope that burns a hole in your heart and tears you apart. 

I’ll be waiting to try to fix things. I’ll be waiting, like you promised to do with me, but I’ll actually wait. I don’t like to break my promises. So, it’s come to this again, waiting for you to grow up..again. I don’t think I’ll ever learn. 

Everyone I know goes away in the end

It’s not that I’ve been depressed lately…it’s more of a…silly sadness. And it’s not just because I’ve been talking to you again, it had started a few days prior. Is there something that just isn’t allowing me to be fully happy? What is it that I have to do? Do I literally have to rid my life of everyone? Just sit in a dark secluded room, with no human contact. Like I said a month ago, moving isn’t going to make anything easier. I ran away from my problems and they followed me here…just like I anticipated.