I hate hearing how happy you are. Your granddaughter was born and I heard you cried from happiness…and I couldn’t hate that any more. I hate that you have any sliver of happiness. I want you to be miserable. I want your life to be as hard as you made mine.
My doctor tells me that I should find it in myself to forgive you. That if the thought of you upsets me then you’re still winning. But I can’t. I will never forgive you. If my family is going somewhere and we are dropping my brother off with you then I won’t go. I never want to see you again. I’m not afraid of you, just afraid of how I’m going to treat you.
My friend tells me that it’s pointless to hate. That it wastes too much energy. He tells me that he doesn’t hate. I’m jealous of him. I’m so swallowed by my hatred for you that your name makes me cringe.
I’ll always hate you.
It’s hard not to hate people, things, institutions, when they break your spirit and take pleasure in watching you bleed. Hate is the only feeling that makes sense, but I know what hate does to a man. It tears him apart, turns him into something he’s not. Something he promised himself he’d never become. Hate is easy, but it’s destructive.
I’ve spent much of my life hating, and I wish I could say I didn’t hate today, but that would be a lie. There is a fine line between love and hate, sometimes you think you’re on one side but you’re really on the other.
I’m not strong enough to know which side I’m always on.
It’s tough to figure out, but once you do your life will be so much easier. You can’t care so much about other peoples lives or about what other people think. If someone wants to be mad at you or hate you or call you names, so be it, fuck them. All you have to do is live for you and not give a damn about anybody else. You’ll learn really quick who your friends are if you stop giving a fuck about everyone. The ones who are your friends will stick around and everyone else will fade away.
I know it sounds harsh or unnecessary but once you live for you and no one else then life will be that much easier.