It’s only been a few weeks but it feels like it’s been closer to months that we haven’t talked. I want to be mad at you. I want to hate you. It’s the only way I can justify that we aren’t talking; anger and loneliness are to blame for the way I feel lately.
It really messes with you, having someone there for you from sun up to sun down every single day, to not having them anymore….at all.
Have you ever told someone you love them?
I love you.
I love you too.
Do you still love them? Are they still around to love? Do they still love you?
It’s funny because “I love you” gets thrown around a lot. It’s not as special as you once thought it was, is it? Love used to see so special but now you know that it only leads to pain. Love will never have a happy ending, ever. No matter the outcome, it’s going to be tragic. One way or another, the person you love will be gone. Best case scenario, you fall in love with someone, marry them and live together forever. Then what happens? One of you dies and the other is left to grieve, alone. That is literally the best thing to come out of love. You wait your entire life for the most pain you will ever feel. Love is awful.
I’m sick of saying I love you only for that person to leave…even if they were the one to say it first. I’m sick of loving someone who left. “I love you” turns into i love you as a brother turns into I want you to be happy turns into a broken friendship. I’m not talking about one moment or person in particular, this happens to be a trend in my life.
I’m sick of love and the pain it brings. I’m sick of seeing people love and their ignorance towards it. It’s not a thing of happiness, it’s a thing of time. You can only love for so long before the love starts to hurt and tear at your heart.
I don’t want to love again, it hurts too much.
I only feel alone around other people. Couldn’t be truer. After a while, you learn that you don’t need anyone else in order to survive. No one is ever going to always be there, no matter what they say or what they promise you. You just gotta suck it up and accept it. I’ve lived so much of my life alone that I’m used to it by now. I don’t need people around to judge me, whether it be out loud or silently to them selves. I don’t need to hear the whispers about me, the things said behind my back. I don’t need people. I hear people say all the time “I hate people” “I hate everybody”. You don’t know the first thing about hate. You surround yourself with people, with all these fake friends who would turn on you in a second. I know the true nature or humans. I’ve been on the receiving end of much of their hate for much of my life. You have to learn to be alone. Because eventually, you will be so alone. You’ll realize that no one is there for you. You’ll wake up, hoping to see a text or something, but it doesn’t happen. You look through your friends, wondering who you can talk to and you slowly begin to realize that you hate them. That you hate your friends. It’s not that you just hate your friends, you hate everyone. You realize that the people who you call your friends, are just the people who you hate a little less than everyone else. I hate hearing people say that they hate everyone, but they can’t stand being alone. They don’t understand the serenity and true peacefulness of being alone. Of having no friends. Of not having to deal with anyone elses drama. I can’t live like that. I can’t live the lie that you do. I can’t live my life thinking that I have all these people behind me. That all of these people that promised to always be there for me are always going to be there. So many people have told me that they’ll always be here, and now they aren’t. Every person I’ve ever told it to, I’ve been there until finally being pushed away or forgotten about. That’s all you’ll ever be to people though, replaceable. You don’t even realize it either. You want so bad to be around people. To have people in your life, just so you don’t feel alone. You need to feel wanted. You can’t imagine dying alone. One day, you will die, and you will be forgotten.
It’s life changing, to finally understand that you will forever, no matter what anybody says, be alone. If you have friends or people around you, great. Don’t give it up. Just don’t get used to it. They will leave or one day be gone forever. They’ll promise on their lives that they will always be your friend, they’ll always be there for you when you need someone. No, they won’t. Life is so much easier when you can see their lies, when you know for a fact that they will be gone one day, when you realize that you do not need other people to survive. You can be alone. You can survive without that attention that you so dearly crave.