Drifting

I find reasons to be angry with you so that it feels right when we aren’t talking. I’m watching you and your life move on while I’m standing right where you last left me. This isn’t about love. No, this is about something much more fragile, my best friend. Days will go by that we don’t talk, weeks. We recently almost went a month without a single word to each other.

I know that’s no big deal to most people but for someone who lead me through suicide and the early stages of my depression, when I was too afraid to be medicated. Someone that at one point, shared something so intimate and so close. It’s a big deal that I am growing apart from the person I held the closest to my heart, on multiple levels.

It’s easier to be mad at you than it is to convince myself that you no longer need me.

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Care

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I hate going to someone for help and telling them everything. Telling them how often I think about suicide. They tell me not to do anything and that they are there and blah blah blah, but the next day where are they? By the next day they’ve forgotten all about it, and if they haven’t yet then they don’t want to think about it. It’s only the people who have been there that are always there. The ones who don’t understand are only there briefly while they have you convinced that they understand, but once the conversation is over they immediately try to forget about the darkness that you just put on them. I know there are people out there who understand, but you have to sift through the ones who don’t to find them. Even if that means sifting away from your close friends. Now, I’m lucky and have a few close friends who understand, but I know how it feels to puke all your depression onto someone who doesn’t understand and the next time you need them or even the next day, it’s hard to see them not care as much as they pretended to the night before.

If you are having problems with suicide or depression find that one person who understands and go to them any time you need. If they truly understand then they won’t care how many times you come to them.  It helps much more than going to people who have no idea what you’re feeling.

Died with you

My best friend and I have put space between us because of all of the problems either of us are facing. It’s only been a few days and I miss her and her impact on my day. I hold her so dear to my heart because more than once was she there when all I wanted to do was end my pain, she was the one that stopped me. I tried to not blog about this but after I heard this song again I had to.

I’m sorry that it has to be like this. I hate it so much. I miss the way we’d talk. I hope everything turn out okay….for both of us..

Maybe you’re right

I hate the idea of being pushed away…but maybe we need the space for a little bit. Maybe you’re right….but I don’t want to believe it..so I won’t. I’ve always been there for you no matter how much I hated the topic. I was always there. I hope this doesn’t last very long….because I need you. You’re my tether to sanity and without you I’m not sure how long I’m going to be able to hang on.

Goodbye

A year ago yesterday the most wonderful man I’ve ever met took his own life. He had the biggest, most loving heart I’ve ever seen. I’ve never seen someone love so much, open up their heart to anyone in need at any time. No matter what hardships he faced he always wore a smile for those around him. I’ve never seen a man love so much. He took me in when I needed it and gave me a place to stay. He always put other people first. He was the best man I’ve ever met in my life. He is the man that I wish I could be. I hope that one day I can as good of a man as he was.

I wasn’t there for the last few months of his life, but I am…was…very close to someone close to him and she sent me this song. She said that he loved this song and listened to it all the time the weeks before.

I know I wasn’t around for very long, but you took me in and I appreciate that more than anything.

You’ll always be missed.

Goodbye.

To an old friend.

To an old friend.

Hey.

I know we haven’t seen each other, or even talked in a long time…but I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I want you to know that I miss you. Not like “I regret what happened” or even “I want to see you again”. Just..”I miss you.” Full stop.

It’s strange to think that someone I used to know so well is now a total stranger…that I sometimes go entire days without thinking of you even a little bit. Most of the time, I let myself forget, because I know it’s easier. But then I find something…an old letter, an old gift, a drawing on the front page of that sketchbook you gave me…and the full weight of what’s been lost comes crashing down on me, but it isn’t regret. We had reasons for ending it, and they’re as valid as ever, but back at the start we didn’t need reasons for anything. It all just happened. We didn’t have common interests, or similar goals. We didn’t even get along that well. But we didn’t need a reason to fall in love. We just did. The reasons came at the end, and everything that’s happened since has been all about reasons, and that’s good. It means one day I might find someone I won’t have to say goodbye to.

I guess what I’m saying is, I hope things are good with you. I hope everything is great. I hope you found a love that’s all the things ours couldn’t be, and I hope i find that too.

But a small part of me hopes that you still remember what it was like before all the reasons…

…and that you miss me too.