I find reasons to be angry with you so that it feels right when we aren’t talking. I’m watching you and your life move on while I’m standing right where you last left me. This isn’t about love. No, this is about something much more fragile, my best friend. Days will go by that we don’t talk, weeks. We recently almost went a month without a single word to each other.
I know that’s no big deal to most people but for someone who lead me through suicide and the early stages of my depression, when I was too afraid to be medicated. Someone that at one point, shared something so intimate and so close. It’s a big deal that I am growing apart from the person I held the closest to my heart, on multiple levels.
It’s easier to be mad at you than it is to convince myself that you no longer need me.
I laid in bed last night look up at the black nothingness of my room. I rolled onto my stomach, closed my eyes and pressed my face into my pillow, grabbing the ends and pulling up as hard as I could. I could feel myself slipping into whatever comes next, but I stopped. I stopped for 2 reasons: 1. Pure laziness. The strenuousness of pushing into the pillow while simultaneously pulling up as hard as I could at 3 am wasn’t something I wanted to do. And 2. My rabbit, Nyx. She is my entire world and if I was gone I don’t know who would take care of her.
She’s saved me twice now.
I stopped taking my meds every night because I like drinking too much. Too often am I sick of being sober and am looking for a brief escape from real life. I don’t like being sober, it’s depressing. As much as I hate life and don’t want to be here I’d rather not go out by mixing my meds and alcohol…unless that’s the way I chose.
I’ve gotten lazy and out of shape. I’ve gained weight and I hate it. I have to start working out. I’ve put on 20lbs recently. That’s a no go for me. Something else has to change.
It’s only been a few weeks but it feels like it’s been closer to months that we haven’t talked. I want to be mad at you. I want to hate you. It’s the only way I can justify that we aren’t talking; anger and loneliness are to blame for the way I feel lately.
It really messes with you, having someone there for you from sun up to sun down every single day, to not having them anymore….at all.
I hate going to someone for help and telling them everything. Telling them how often I think about suicide. They tell me not to do anything and that they are there and blah blah blah, but the next day where are they? By the next day they’ve forgotten all about it, and if they haven’t yet then they don’t want to think about it. It’s only the people who have been there that are always there. The ones who don’t understand are only there briefly while they have you convinced that they understand, but once the conversation is over they immediately try to forget about the darkness that you just put on them. I know there are people out there who understand, but you have to sift through the ones who don’t to find them. Even if that means sifting away from your close friends. Now, I’m lucky and have a few close friends who understand, but I know how it feels to puke all your depression onto someone who doesn’t understand and the next time you need them or even the next day, it’s hard to see them not care as much as they pretended to the night before.
If you are having problems with suicide or depression find that one person who understands and go to them any time you need. If they truly understand then they won’t care how many times you come to them. It helps much more than going to people who have no idea what you’re feeling.
I know I told you that I’d keep you updated on my meds and I haven’t been. Well, it’s changed a lot but I think we’ve finally found something that is working. I’m on 300 mg of Lithium and 2 mg of Abilify.
I had an appointment last week and normally he wants me to come back in within 2 or 3 weeks but this time he said it can wait 6 weeks. He thinks that I’m getting better. I don’t really feel better, but if he sees an improvement then there might be one. He told me that if anything comes up then we don’t have to wait the 6 weeks, so we’ll see.
Apparently I have effective schizophrenia, but its just early stages and can be dealt with. I was told that there’s no way of knowing whether or not it will get worse but it’s good we got to it as early as we did. I’m kinda worried about it, but it is what it is.
I hope I can finally get away from this me. I want to know what it’s like to be with my friends and not think about things like suicide. I don’t actually think this me will ever go away. He’ll always be there, waiting for a slip up or a crack in the wall. He’s not gone yet, in fact…I’m not even sure if I’m him still or not, but one day I hope to be better. I want to be better but I don’t think I can be.
This song gives me chills. I’m not very good at showing people who I really am, but I try really hard to hide my scars and issues. I don’t always do a good job and sometimes it gets people hurt, but I’m trying. Lots of people don’t understand mental illnesses and don’t even see them as illnesses. They see them as different or something controllable. Once someone who doesn’t understand mental illnesses finds out you have something like depression then they see you a little differently. Once you show people your scars and imperfections that’s all they can see and then that’s all that you’ll feel from that person, judgement and confusion.
You’re better than your scars show that you are, all you have to do is find a way to not hide your scars, but let people know that’s not all you are. It’s hard, I know…I’m trying too though, so you’re not alone.