I can’t seem to find myself anymore. I can’t feel like me. I feel like I’m in a shell, like I’m trapped in a shell. The antidepressants don’t seem to be working very well. They have already upped my dosage once and are planning on giving me more. I hope that things start to get better…
I try to sleep, hoping for a quick transition into the black nothingness that is sleep. It’s never that easy though. I lay awake at night, suffering through my past failures, faults, what I should’ve done or said, where I would be if I did something different…just one thing. I would lay awake at night for hours, inside of my own head, inside of the purgatory somewhere between sleep and consciousness. The white walls of my room taunting me with their peaceful blankness, seeming to soak up all sound.
My body tricks me. I’ll be tired, or…I think I’m tired, so I go to bed. But I just lie there, trying to slip away. This was every night. So I stay awake until I am physically and mentally worn out. 3 am, sometimes 5.
Sleeping used to be so easy. You just lay down and fall into your dream, or nightmare, sometimes nothing at all. Dreaming…hmph..that’s something else. Sleep is my escape from my life. I like to dream, because I get to be happy in my dreams, but eventually I wake up and realize that it wasn’t real. I hate waking up from dreams. At least nightmares make me happy to wake up. Sometimes I prefer the nightmares, they make it easier to transition into the real world. I wish I didn’t dream at all, that it was all just blackness. The blackness is the easiest, most peaceful.
I have to make a choice at night. Do I want to torture myself by staying up until I’m falling asleep where I sit, or do I want to go to bed now and be punished by my mind?
This is what I spend my nights doing when I can’t sleep. This probably took about 4 hours in total. If you want me to draw something then let me know. I’ll eventually get around to drawing everything that is suggested (unless it’s completely stupid).
This only took about 2 and a half hours to do. I didn’t want to put color in it. I liked it better in black and white. That good vs evil type of thing. The angelic looking dragon vs the demonic looking dragon, black and white. This one was a request actually, but nonetheless something that I wanted to do. I’d like to get back into drawing and post them on here as often as I can for whoever reads this crap.
There was a point in my life that I didn’t know who I was, who I wanted to be, or where I wanted to be. I was lost. I was just wandering, looking for anything that made me happy and trying to stay with that one thing, or telling myself that I would do something, and never doing it. I’m not out of those woods yet. Although, I am much closer than I used to be. For the most part, that part of my life is dead and gone. None of it bothers me anymore. There is however, one part that is very much alive, and very much gets to me when I allow it to; and that is the biggest, only living tree. That tree is on the back of my arm. I tried to put it behind me, but even though I cannot see it at all times, does not mean that it isn’t always there…that it still isn’t a part of me. These trees, these woods, represent that time the I felt lost. It reminds me that the worst and yet…the best..part of my life is over. It’s gone and dead. The birds represent life, those were some very dark times for me. They can also show escape and moving forwards. They are flying out of the woods, leaving it behind them.
At first this was just a cool tattoo and I wanted it because “It was cool”. I see now the bigger picture. I see how much it actually relates to a specific part of my life. That’s the story behind my tattoo. Even though it took me a little bit to realize it.