I find reasons to be angry with you so that it feels right when we aren’t talking. I’m watching you and your life move on while I’m standing right where you last left me. This isn’t about love. No, this is about something much more fragile, my best friend. Days will go by that we don’t talk, weeks. We recently almost went a month without a single word to each other.
I know that’s no big deal to most people but for someone who lead me through suicide and the early stages of my depression, when I was too afraid to be medicated. Someone that at one point, shared something so intimate and so close. It’s a big deal that I am growing apart from the person I held the closest to my heart, on multiple levels.
It’s easier to be mad at you than it is to convince myself that you no longer need me.
I promised you that I’d always be here for you….and I will. I’m not sure where the gap between us came from, but I’m willing to mend it. I don’t like fighting with you. I know our friendship is in question but I promise that I’m not going anywhere.
Yesterday I had to say goodbye to my mom, brother, and not only one of my best friends, but someone very very special to me. The thought of you haunts me. I keep thinking back to yesterday and the last few hours we spent together. That was very special, and meant so so much. I regret letting you down and wish that I would’ve done so much more. I’ll see you again, I promise.
Last night I was also reunited with my friends. Seeing everyone waiting for me at the airport was almost overwhelming. I missed you all so much and am so glad everyone came to see me.
Yesterday was one of those days that are so full of so many different emotions that it’s just too much to deal with. It was easily one of the hardest days I’ve had in a long time. I not only left my mom and one of my best friends, but I also got to see and spend the night with friends that I haven’t seen in almost a year. I can’t imagine life without any of you, everyone I left in CO and everyone here in PA. I love you all.
I haven’t eaten since the night before leaving. I can’t. I’m just not hungry. Please…please don’t let this be a mistake.