I’m not alone in the house, but I’m awake. Everyone is so far away in their slumber that they can’t hear me walking around the house, they aren’t bothered by my noise. I’m a ghost walking through the dark, barely lit rooms. Nobody notices me. It’s peaceful. A lonely peacefulness that soothes the want for interaction. I can move from room to room, I can exist, and it doesn’t bother anyone. Nobody to be annoyed by the creaky floor, nobody to notice me from the next room over. It’s nice to be able to just…be, without anyone else knowing, without bothering anyone else. To exist without having to bother anyone.
I wish I was fine, that I wasn’t me. But I am me, and i’m not fine..i’m anything but fine. Alcohol chases away the demons that tease me with a knife. The creatures that make suicide look so fucking easy…that make it look like suicide is the only path I have.
I wish you were here with me..or I with you…I need you..and you aren’t here..
I only feel alone around other people. Couldn’t be truer. After a while, you learn that you don’t need anyone else in order to survive. No one is ever going to always be there, no matter what they say or what they promise you. You just gotta suck it up and accept it. I’ve lived so much of my life alone that I’m used to it by now. I don’t need people around to judge me, whether it be out loud or silently to them selves. I don’t need to hear the whispers about me, the things said behind my back. I don’t need people. I hear people say all the time “I hate people” “I hate everybody”. You don’t know the first thing about hate. You surround yourself with people, with all these fake friends who would turn on you in a second. I know the true nature or humans. I’ve been on the receiving end of much of their hate for much of my life. You have to learn to be alone. Because eventually, you will be so alone. You’ll realize that no one is there for you. You’ll wake up, hoping to see a text or something, but it doesn’t happen. You look through your friends, wondering who you can talk to and you slowly begin to realize that you hate them. That you hate your friends. It’s not that you just hate your friends, you hate everyone. You realize that the people who you call your friends, are just the people who you hate a little less than everyone else. I hate hearing people say that they hate everyone, but they can’t stand being alone. They don’t understand the serenity and true peacefulness of being alone. Of having no friends. Of not having to deal with anyone elses drama. I can’t live like that. I can’t live the lie that you do. I can’t live my life thinking that I have all these people behind me. That all of these people that promised to always be there for me are always going to be there. So many people have told me that they’ll always be here, and now they aren’t. Every person I’ve ever told it to, I’ve been there until finally being pushed away or forgotten about. That’s all you’ll ever be to people though, replaceable. You don’t even realize it either. You want so bad to be around people. To have people in your life, just so you don’t feel alone. You need to feel wanted. You can’t imagine dying alone. One day, you will die, and you will be forgotten.
It’s life changing, to finally understand that you will forever, no matter what anybody says, be alone. If you have friends or people around you, great. Don’t give it up. Just don’t get used to it. They will leave or one day be gone forever. They’ll promise on their lives that they will always be your friend, they’ll always be there for you when you need someone. No, they won’t. Life is so much easier when you can see their lies, when you know for a fact that they will be gone one day, when you realize that you do not need other people to survive. You can be alone. You can survive without that attention that you so dearly crave.
You are always there for me.
You’re there when I wake up.
You’re there in my dreams.
You’re there to tell me “I’m here for you”
And when I wake up to start my day, you’re here to be with me.
Even after all my friends abandon me
When I’m left out
You’re there for me
Loneliness, you are my best friend.
You busy yourself with the vapid and the mindless. You distract yourself. You disconnect from the real to escape that nagging feeling. The feeling is deep and difficult to identify. It tells you something is wrong. It tells you that you are alone. You are unsatisfied. You gloss over what you’ve accomplished and feel nothing. You examine in detail, all the ways you’ve failed, and you feel pain. You’re surrounded by the things you do not have: another person to care for you, like you wish to care for someone else, the knowledge that you’ve lived up to your potential. A sense of fulfillment. You search for these things and find only a vacuum, an absence. You find that no one goes to sleep thinking of you. No one wonders if you are thinking of them. You come to realize that everyone you speak to would rather, at the moment, be speaking to someone else. You are replaceable and disappointing. Will the future hold something better? Will you achieve something according to your own standards? You can only hope. But that nagging feeling comes back, it reminds you of the way you are. Your dreams may come true but the happiness will grow old and fade away. You always come back to that feeling. So you disengage. You distract. Facebook, Twitter, music, movies. You find time to interact with friends but those interactions serve only to remind you your place with everyone else. Secondary, unimportant, forgettable. So you disconnect. You keep doing this, a day at a time, a week at a time, till the months slip away and you realize that this isn’t a slump, it is not a stage, this is life. Average. Boring. Alone. You try to forget but you can’t. You try to change but you’re weak. You see only one simple option, one clear way out. To sleep forever, to never be troubled, to never face a deadline, to never face embarrassment, to stop feeling afraid. To be at peace. You get the tools, you make the choice, you lie back. You disconnect.