Hate you

I hate hearing how happy you are. Your granddaughter was born and I heard you cried from happiness…and I couldn’t hate that any more. I hate that you have any sliver of happiness. I want you to be miserable. I want your life to be as hard as you made mine.

My doctor tells me that I should find it in myself to forgive you. That if the thought of you upsets me then you’re still winning. But I can’t. I will never forgive you. If my family is going somewhere and we are dropping my brother off with you then I won’t go. I never want to see you again. I’m not afraid of you, just afraid of how I’m going to treat you.

My friend tells me that it’s pointless to hate. That it wastes too much energy. He tells me that he doesn’t hate. I’m jealous of him. I’m so swallowed by my hatred for you that your name makes me cringe.

I’ll always hate you.

Wicked

Child-Abuse-stop-child-abuse-28011048-500-324

I’ll never forgive you. I blame you for who I am, for my problems. I blame you for my anger and shyness. You made me hate myself. You made me believe that I’m ugly. You made me believe that I’m worthless. You made me believe that I’m unwanted. You taught me not to trust. I blame you for the walls I’ve built around myself. Walls not meant to keep others out, but to keep myself in. You made me not want to show people the real me. All of the pain, the physical and mental torture, the beatings, forcing me to believe that I don’t belong to my dad and that my mom doesn’t want me. I blame you for my depression and low self esteem.

I hate you. You’re dead to me, but I want more than that. I don’t want to know that you’re still out there. I hope I never see you again…but yet..I almost wish that I can see you one more time so that I can give back all of my pain. I want you to hurt. People think the “horrible step mother” is a joke but in my case it completely surpasses “horrible”. You’re a monster and you deserve to be alone.

I was just a boy…a 10 year oldĀ child and you threw me around like a rag doll. You told me things no child should ever hear. You made me think things no person should ever think…let alone a child. You made me wish I was dead. You made me pray that I wouldn’t wake up in the morning. You made me want to kill you. You made me wish that I was able to kill myself.

I think about the day that I might see you again and I can’t for one second tell myself that I’ll be civil. Just your name pushes me over the edge. I can’t imagine seeing your face again. I’m not the same little boy I used to be. I can stand up for myself now…I can hurt you now. I hope for your sake I never see you again.