Hate

It’s hard not to hate people, things, institutions, when they break your spirit and take pleasure in watching you bleed. Hate is the only feeling that makes sense, but I know what hate does to a man. It tears him apart, turns him into something he’s not. Something he promised himself he’d never become. Hate is easy, but it’s destructive.

I’ve spent much of my life hating, and I wish I could say I didn’t hate today, but that would be a lie. There is a fine line between love and hate, sometimes you think you’re on one side but you’re really on the other.

I’m not strong enough to know which side I’m always on.

Run

I want to leave this place, this state, this mindset. I want to run away from here…from these problems. I want a new way of looking at the world. It’s always so grim, so gritty and awful. Why can’t I just for once see the world as normal people do. I don’t want to see the truth behind things, I just want to see the illusion and believe it.

It seems that all I’m good for is running. Running and fucking things up.

Disappear

I almost long for a sense of normalcy, but I’m not even sure what that means anymore. I’ve been so many places, seen so many people and lived so many different ways. I can’t even think of anything normal. Looking to society for normal doesn’t help either. The world changes and people change around you. Normal changes. Our masks change with society and “normal”. It’s interesting to have gone from being at the bottom to somewhere in the middle, watching everything and everybody around you change, watching normal change, watching masks change. You start to blend easier when you can see how much people change on a constant basis.

Stop caring

It’s tough to figure out, but once you do your life will be so much easier. You can’t care so much about other peoples lives or about what other people think. If someone wants to be mad at you or hate you or call you names, so be it, fuck them. All you have to do is live for you and not give a damn about anybody else. You’ll learn really quick who your friends are if you stop giving a fuck about everyone. The ones who are your friends will stick around and everyone else will fade away.

I know it sounds harsh or unnecessary but once you live for you and no one else then life will be that much easier.

Drinking and meds

I stopped taking my meds every night because I like drinking too much. Too often am I sick of being sober and am looking for a brief escape from real life. I don’t like being sober, it’s depressing. As much as I hate life and don’t want to be here I’d rather not go out by mixing my meds and alcohol…unless that’s the way I chose.

I’ve gotten lazy and out of shape. I’ve gained weight and I hate it. I have to start working out. I’ve put on 20lbs recently. That’s a no go for me. Something else has to change.

195

Serendipity

We are not friends. Not because we are incompatible, but because we are perhaps too compatible. I looked into your eyes and saw a replica of my recklessness, my inability to reconcile what my heart wants and what is right. I saw a flicker of who I used to be and I suddenly understood why they were afraid of me. You have a devilish smile, and I can’t look away. But you and I, we hold our friends in higher esteem than pleasant first impressions and a quick wit. I don’t know how to impress you, because no one impresses me anymore. It takes too many years for us to trust someone, and who has that kind of time? But it is loneliness that pushes us to share secrets and exchange stories without fear of judgment. I can read you like an open book, and I know the ending to…

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