I’ll never forgive you. I blame you for who I am, for my problems. I blame you for my anger and shyness. You made me hate myself. You made me believe that I’m ugly. You made me believe that I’m worthless. You made me believe that I’m unwanted. You taught me not to trust. I blame you for the walls I’ve built around myself. Walls not meant to keep others out, but to keep myself in. You made me not want to show people the real me. All of the pain, the physical and mental torture, the beatings, forcing me to believe that I don’t belong to my dad and that my mom doesn’t want me. I blame you for my depression and low self esteem.

I hate you. You’re dead to me, but I want more than that. I don’t want to know that you’re still out there. I hope I never see you again…but yet..I almost wish that I can see you one more time so that I can give back all of my pain. I want you to hurt. People think the “horrible step mother” is a joke but in my case it completely surpasses “horrible”. You’re a monster and you deserve to be alone.

I was just a boy…a 10 year old child and you threw me around like a rag doll. You told me things no child should ever hear. You made me think things no person should ever think…let alone a child. You made me wish I was dead. You made me pray that I wouldn’t wake up in the morning. You made me want to kill you. You made me wish that I was able to kill myself.

I think about the day that I might see you again and I can’t for one second tell myself that I’ll be civil. Just your name pushes me over the edge. I can’t imagine seeing your face again. I’m not the same little boy I used to be. I can stand up for myself now…I can hurt you now. I hope for your sake I never see you again.

One thought on “Wicked

  1. I am so sorry you had to endure this. I went through a different type of abuse, but abuse nonetheless. While you may never forgive your stepmother, as I will never forgive my biological father, I believe you can, and will, heal. I hope you do. If it helps, I am writing my own story on my blog, Scarred Memorabilia. You can read and follow it if you like. If not, I understand, as it’s not easy to read others’ accounts for sometimes they hit too close to home. In either case, I hope you find the resolution you need and come through on the other end. There is always hope.

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