I’ll never forgive you. I blame you for who I am, for my problems. I blame you for my anger and shyness. You made me hate myself. You made me believe that I’m ugly. You made me believe that I’m worthless. You made me believe that I’m unwanted. You taught me not to trust. I blame you for the walls I’ve built around myself. Walls not meant to keep others out, but to keep myself in. You made me not want to show people the real me. All of the pain, the physical and mental torture, the beatings, forcing me to believe that I don’t belong to my dad and that my mom doesn’t want me. I blame you for my depression and low self esteem.
I hate you. You’re dead to me, but I want more than that. I don’t want to know that you’re still out there. I hope I never see you again…but yet..I almost wish that I can see you one more time so that I can give back all of my pain. I want you to hurt. People think the “horrible step mother” is a joke but in my case it completely surpasses “horrible”. You’re a monster and you deserve to be alone.
I was just a boy…a 10 year old child and you threw me around like a rag doll. You told me things no child should ever hear. You made me think things no person should ever think…let alone a child. You made me wish I was dead. You made me pray that I wouldn’t wake up in the morning. You made me want to kill you. You made me wish that I was able to kill myself.
I think about the day that I might see you again and I can’t for one second tell myself that I’ll be civil. Just your name pushes me over the edge. I can’t imagine seeing your face again. I’m not the same little boy I used to be. I can stand up for myself now…I can hurt you now. I hope for your sake I never see you again.
That thing that keeps you awake at night, eating at your heart, it’s not your fault. Forgive yourself for whatever it is you think you did wrong. There’s nothing you can do to change it. It’s happened and it’s done, and you can’t undo it. It doesn’t matter anymore. Stop worrying about it so much. You can’t change the past and no amount of worrying will ever change the decisions you made or the things that happened to you. You can’t carry that guilt with you. Blaming yourself, bearing that burden, will only make you miserable and until you let go of all of that guilt then you will never be happy. You will never get a good nights sleep without medication again. You’re strong, but you can’t bear your own guilt. No man or woman can live their lives happily and blame themselves for something in the past. Let it go. You have to forgive yourself. It’s not important anymore. You’re past it. It’s behind you.
It’s not your fault.
I miss me. Miss all of the things that I used to be. I miss laughing. I miss drawing. I miss being motivated. I miss having normal conversations with my friends.
I know everyone said that I should enjoy my childhood when it lasted but I had no idea that my early adult life would be…this.
I hate me…and sometimes all I want is to drink myself to sleep..
I’ve started to hear voices. Voices that aren’t there or should be there. I don’t know what they are saying, it’s just a mumble, but it’s there. I never thought much of it so I kept putting it off. I didn’t realize that it was actually happening until my doctor asked if I was hearing things or voices. I put him off but my next visit he asked again and by then I knew that it wasn’t just a thing that I should be putting off.
I’m now on 3 different prescriptions. 150 mg of Zoloft, 100 mg of Trazadone for insomnia and 1 mg of Risperidone for the voices.
The voices didn’t bother me, it was just something that was happening. Like a voice in my head but I could actually hear it. My doctor said that it’s something that happens when some people reach a point of depression that their minds create these voices. They have slowed down and haven’t been occurring as often now that I’m taking the risperidone.
I have another appointment in a few weeks.