50 to 100

 

I had a doctors appointment today with a new doctor. I had to switch because my previous doctor was leaving, so it was forced upon me :/. The change sucked and I have to get used to another person, who I am not yet comfortable with.

He upped my dosage from 50mg to 100mg and told me that if this dosage doesn’t work he’s switching my medicine. I’m not really excited about a med switch, but if it has to happen then so be it I guess. He also put me on Trazodone to help me sleep during the nights that I can’t.

My sleep pattern has been all over the place. I’ll either fall asleep at 5 and wake up at 9 or sleep from 1am to 1pm and then still nap for nearly 2 hours. When I was on 50mg of the zoloft my nights were awful. Every night it felt like I was so far away from any other person, like I was so alone. No matter what happened through the day my nights have been just pure shit.

I’m trying to do more. Look for a job, talk to friends, just get up and go for a walk, but I just can’t sometimes. I feel weighed down most days, not feeling like myself.

 

I miss being happy, feeling good about things…smiling. Am I able to be me again? Through these medications and hopes that they’ll work? 

I think what I miss the most, is being me. 

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Rest in Peace, Robin Williams

Journalling through Depression

As I was heading home from my yoga class, I heard the sad news that Robin Williams has died of suspected suicide.

An amazing person who gave the world so much joy, it is so tragic that he himself struggled with severe depression.

This brings home the fact that mental illness has a long and indiscriminate reach. That it is so often hidden below the surface and isolates the sufferer.

Some of my earliest memories are of toddling about and laughing at the antics of Williams’ hilarious character Mork in Mork and Mindy. I grew up with the Dead Poets Society, Aladdin, Mrs. Doubtfire and Good Will Hunting. He was such a talented man.

Please take this as a reminder that major depression is a serious illness and that it should not be ignored. It can affect anyone and we need to have more openness and and help for sufferers…

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Moon

moon

I stand outside every night and look up at the moon, thinking of you. Wondering if you might happen to cast a glace upwards. Wondering if by some chance you might be thinking about me. Wondering if somehow you can feel me.

As I look at the moon I think of you sleeping, and I wish I was there with you.

I feel close to you when I’m looking at the moon.

I’ll always love the moon, whether it’s shining or not.