I wish I was fine, that I wasn’t me. But I am me, and i’m not fine..i’m anything but fine. Alcohol chases away the demons that tease me with a knife. The creatures that make suicide look so fucking easy…that make it look like suicide is the only path I have.
I wish you were here with me..or I with you…I need you..and you aren’t here..
I try to sleep, hoping for a quick transition into the black nothingness that is sleep. It’s never that easy though. I lay awake at night, suffering through my past failures, faults, what I should’ve done or said, where I would be if I did something different…just one thing. I would lay awake at night for hours, inside of my own head, inside of the purgatory somewhere between sleep and consciousness. The white walls of my room taunting me with their peaceful blankness, seeming to soak up all sound.
My body tricks me. I’ll be tired, or…I think I’m tired, so I go to bed. But I just lie there, trying to slip away. This was every night. So I stay awake until I am physically and mentally worn out. 3 am, sometimes 5.
Sleeping used to be so easy. You just lay down and fall into your dream, or nightmare, sometimes nothing at all. Dreaming…hmph..that’s something else. Sleep is my escape from my life. I like to dream, because I get to be happy in my dreams, but eventually I wake up and realize that it wasn’t real. I hate waking up from dreams. At least nightmares make me happy to wake up. Sometimes I prefer the nightmares, they make it easier to transition into the real world. I wish I didn’t dream at all, that it was all just blackness. The blackness is the easiest, most peaceful.
I have to make a choice at night. Do I want to torture myself by staying up until I’m falling asleep where I sit, or do I want to go to bed now and be punished by my mind?
Today marks the 1 year anniversary for my blog. I feel like it wasn’t that long ago. My life has changed so drastically since then, yet…it hasn’t. I have to actually sit back and think to recall any memories of that year. It’s been a combination of fast and incredibly slow. It’s a blur of depressing, happy, stagnant, life changing memories. One extreme to the next.
Anyways, that’s crazy, one year. I know I don’t have many followers at all. Currently it’s only 47, but I mean that’s still 47 people that don’t know me that want to read what I have to say. Well, 3 of them know me. 44 strangers. I don’t know what to say. Thank you for reading through my depressing, sad posts. It’s insane…I don’t even have 47 friends who actually care about what I say.
I know 47 isn’t a huge number, but it means everything to me that there are actually people out there who are interested in and care about what I have to say. Thank you for reading or liking my posts. Thank you for following me. Thank you for even just randomly stumbling across this post. It means the world that you even clicked on this to read it.
I know I haven’t been keeping up with this as much as I used to. It’s been several weeks since I’ve said anything, and before that was another several weeks. I’ve just been out of it lately. I haven’t been 100% me. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist on the 19th because I feel I may be depressed. It was originally scheduled for the 5th of this month but I am going to be going back up to my college campus for a week to see friends that I haven’t seen since December. I was torn because I wanted that appointment, but I feel like getting out for a week and just having fun might help. I did reschedule though, because a week isn’t going to change anything. I am hoping that a week with my friends helps me find myself. I feel like I’ve been lost in my own mind, alone. I don’t even feel like me. I had a really awesome day/night yesterday though. The first time I was even semi happy in awhile. Maybe after a week I’ll feel a little better…maybe.
Hopefully I’ll find something to write about before my appointment. I hate to let this go for weeks with nothing new.