Disappointment

I’ve made my own decisions in life. Some good, some bad. I decided to join the military. I had come home from my training and my father came up to my room and sat me down and had a talk with me. “*insert name*, I’m proud of you.” That was the first time that I had made anyone proud. Just thinking about him saying that makes me cry. I had joined while I was still in school, so everybody in the town (if you can call it a town) had known that I joined. I was appreciated by some and hated by others, but it didn’t matter because I was making my father proud. I didn’t care what others thought or said. As long as I wore the uniform I was making him happy. Now though, after what happened and my current situation, I feel like I’ve let him down. I can’t look at him without being disappointed in myself. When I think of that time he first told me he was proud, I cry because it meant so much…and because I know that now he has no reason to be proud of me. I know that he is disappointed in me, he just won’t say it. He and my mother both. I’ve done nothing but let them down lately. I can see the disappointment in my fathers eyes when we talk about what happened. I can hear the disappointment in my mothers voice over the phone. I used to make myself proud. I used to hold myself to a higher standard. I can’t even be proud of myself anymore. There are very few people who still find a way to want me in their lives. Who still care about me. I can’t begin to tell you how thankful I am of these people. 

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