Matter of time

I spend most of my nights on a website, looking at sad threads, “bawe threads”. These threads are filled with sad pictures and people sharing their sad stories. It makes you feel. If reminds you that you’re human. I search for these threads every night because they make me cry. I cry because I can relate to nearly everything on them. I cry because I’m reminded of how much pain I’ve actually been through. I cry because it makes me feel better about myself. It reminds me that there are actually people out there who fully understand me. I can share my story on these threads and people will weep with me. These people, these strangers, will read my story and will be able to understand me. This makes me feel good. I don’t find many of these threads but when I do I normally spend the rest of the night crying. 

I have all of these problems that are constantly dwelling inside my head, but I normally don’t know what to do with myself or search for some sort of escape. I try so hard to help other people because I have no idea how to help myself. Helping other people makes me feel like I have some sort of purpose. I’ve been very very low and if I can make sure that nobody else goes through what I have then I’ll feel accomplished with life. I used to be a really bad person. I would intentionally upset people or argue. I was young and angry. I had an abusive household, not only physically but mentally abusive. I spent a lot of my time in that house being angry at the world. Now that I’m out, I regret being that angry. I pushed a lot of people away and hurt even more. I try to make up for how I was by being a better person today. I’m in no manner a saint. As long as I’m not who I was. 

Recent months have proved to be troublesome. Kicked out of military. Cant go to school due to lack of money. Have no official home. Once I’m done with this semester I’ll be sleeping on the couch in my fathers house, living out of duffle bags. I’m 19 years old and my life is falling apart. I have time though. I’m afraid that getting kicked out of the military will make my future very difficult. I’m afraid of not having much of a life. I don’t want to believe that I’ll end up under a bridge because I can’t find a job because no one wants someone with a discharge. I’m not accepting this failure. I have plenty of time to try to fix everything. I know I say that word a lot on here, “try”. But right now that’s about all I can do. Just get on with each day and just try. 

I will be a better person. I will live a normal life. 

Just bear with me. 

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