Loneliness

Loneliness

You are always there for me.

You’re there when I wake up.

You’re there in my dreams.

You’re there to tell me “I’m here for you”

And when I wake up to start my day, you’re here to be with me.

Even after all my friends abandon me

When I’m left out

You’re there for me

Loneliness, you are my best friend.

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Disconnect

You busy yourself with the vapid and the mindless. You distract yourself. You disconnect from the real to escape that nagging feeling. The feeling is deep and difficult to identify. It tells you something is wrong. It tells you that you are alone. You are unsatisfied. You gloss over what you’ve accomplished and feel nothing. You examine in detail, all the ways you’ve failed, and you feel pain. You’re surrounded by the things you do not have: another person to care for you, like you wish to care for someone else, the knowledge that you’ve lived up to your potential. A sense of fulfillment. You search for these things and find only a vacuum, an absence. You find that no one goes to sleep thinking of you. No one wonders if you are thinking of them. You come to realize that everyone you speak to would rather, at the moment, be speaking to someone else. You are replaceable and disappointing. Will the future hold something better?  Will you achieve something according to your own standards? You can only hope. But that nagging feeling comes back, it reminds you of the way you are. Your dreams may come true but the happiness will grow old and fade away. You always come back to that feeling. So you disengage. You distract. Facebook, Twitter, music, movies. You find time to interact with friends but those interactions serve only to remind you your place with everyone else. Secondary, unimportant, forgettable. So you disconnect. You keep doing this, a day at a time, a week at a time, till the months slip away and you realize that this isn’t a slump, it is not a stage, this is life. Average. Boring. Alone. You try to forget but you can’t. You try to change but you’re weak. You see only one simple option, one clear way out. To sleep forever, to never be troubled, to never face a deadline, to never face embarrassment, to stop feeling afraid. To be at peace. You get the tools, you make the choice, you lie back. You disconnect. 

Ingemination

Ingemination

2 am is for the poets who can’t sleep because their minds are alive with words for someone who’s not there.

For the alcoholics drinkings themselves into amnesia to forget someone who left.

2 am is not for the lovers asleep in each others arms.

It’s for the lonely, the ones who are in love with the loved but are not loved in return.

With or Without you

Skip to about 1:15 to skip all the pointless talking. I would put the lyrics typically but everyone should already know this song. This isn’t the original band/singer, its a cover, but I love his version so much more. I think this definitely says enough about what I’ve been feeling lately.

I think I know you

I know you. You were too short, had bad skin, you couldn’t talk to them very well. Words didn’t seem to work, they lied when they came out of your mouth. 

You tried so hard to understand them. You wanted to be a part of what was happening. You saw them having fun, and it seemed like such a mystery. Almost magic. Made you think that there was something wrong with you. You’d look in the mirror and try to figure it out. So you learned to be invisible, to look down, to avoid conversation. 

The hours, days, weekends…Ah, the weekend nights alone. Where were you? In the basement? In the attic? In your room? Working some job just to have something to do. Just to have a place to put yourself. Just to have a way to get away from them. A chance to get away from the ones who made you feel so strange and ill at ease inside yourself. Did you ever get invited to one of their parties? You sat and wondered if you would go or not. For hours you imagined the scenarios that might transpire. They would laugh at you. If you would know what to do, if you’d have the right things on, if they would notice that you came from a different planet. 

Did you get all brave in your thoughts? Like going to be able to go in there and deal with it and have a great time. Did you think that you might be the life of the party? That all of these people were gonna talk to you and you would find out that you were wrong? That you had a lot of friends and you weren’t so strange after all? Did you end up going? did they mess with you? Did they single you out? Did you find out that you were invited because they thought you were so weird? 

Yeah, I think I know you. You spent a lot of time full of hate. A hate that was pure sunshine. A hate that saw for miles. A hate that kept you up at night. A hate that filled your every waking moment. A hate that carried you for a long time. Yes, I think I know you. You couldn’t figure out what they saw in the way they lived. Home was not home. Your room was home. A corner was home. They place they weren’t, was home. 

I know you. You’re sensitive and you hide it because you fear getting stepped on one more time. It seems that when you show a part of yourself that is the least bit vulnerable, someone takes advantage of you. One of them steps on you, they mistake kindliness for weakness, but you know the difference. You’ve been the brunt of their weakness for years and strength is something you know a bit about because you had to be strong to keep yourself alive. You know yourself very well now and you don’t trust people…you know them too well. 

You try to find that special person, someone you can be with, someone you can touch, someone you can talk to, someone you don’t feel so strange around…and you find that they really don’t exist. You feel closer to people on movie screens. Yeah, I think I know you. You spend a lot of time day dreaming, and people have made comments to that effect. Telling you that you’re self involved and self centered. But they don’t know, do they? About the long nights alone, about the years of keeping yourself company, all the nights you wrapped your arms around yourself so you could imagine someone holding you. The hours of indecision, self doubt, the intense depression, the blinding hate, the rage that made you stagger, the devastation of rejection.

Well, maybe they do know, but if they do they sure do a good job of hiding it. It astounds you how they can be so smooth, how they seem to pass through life as it life itself was some divine gift. It infuriates you to watch your apparent skill at finding every way possible to screw it up. 

For you life is a long trip, terrifying and wonderful. The birds singing to you in the mornings, the rain and sun, the changing seasons, they are true friends. Solitude is a hard won ally, faithful and patient. 

Yeah, I think I know you. 

Till we die

My friends are all hurting from moments and regrets and charity laced with a lie
And still we keep hoping, to fix all the defects and strengthen these seminal ties
We go on together for better or worse, our history is to real to hate
Now and forever we stay until morning, and promise to fight for our fate

‘Til we die
‘Til we die

The start of the journey is every bit worth it, I can let you down anymore
The sky is still clearing, we’re never afraid and the consequence opens the door
I’ve never stopped trying, I’ve never stopped feeling like family is much more than blood
Don’t go on without me, the piece that I represent complements each and every one

‘Til we die
‘Til we die

We won’t be forgotten, we’ll never give in
This war we’ve acheived has allowed us to win

‘Til we die
‘Til we die

My last true confession will open your eyes, I’ve never know trust like the nine
Let it be spoken, let it be screamed, they’ll never ever take us alive

‘Til we die
‘Til we die

We won’t be forgotten, we’ll never give in
This war we’ve acheived has allowed us to win

Carry on
Carry on

We’ll never be broken, we won’t be denied, our war is the pressure we need to deny
We’ll never be broken, we won’t be denied, our war is the pressure we need to deny

‘Til we die
‘Til we die

We won’t be forgotten, we’ll never give in
This war we’ve acheived has allowed us to win

Carry on
Carry on

We’ll never be broken, we won’t be denied, our war is the pressure we need to deny

‘Til we die
‘Til we die
‘Til we die

We won’t be forgotten, we’ll never give in
This war we’ve acheived has allowed us to win
We’ll never be broken, we won’t be denied, our war is the pressure we need to deny

Good vs Evil

Good vs Evil

This only took about 2 and a half hours to do. I didn’t want to put color in it. I liked it better in black and white. That good vs evil type of thing. The angelic looking dragon vs the demonic looking dragon, black and white. This one was a request actually, but nonetheless something that I wanted to do. I’d like to get back into drawing and post them on here as often as I can for whoever reads this crap.