I haven’t slept and have been downing coffee, so bear with me please :).
I have trust issues. I haven’t let many people in lately. The last person I gave 100% to threw it in my face (you may have actually read about that from a few months ago). I’ve refused to let anyone see that part of me again. I’ve refused to allow myself to fall for someone, to let them too close. I’ve pushed people away unknowingly because I don’t want the same thing to happen again. I don’t mean to, but my self conscious is always on the alert that the same shit is going to happen if I let someone that close. Yeah, maybe it will again but I just won’t even give it the chance to get even half that far. I’ve had the chance to be in relationships, to have something with someone, but I’ve done something to stop it. Or I just stopped talking to them in general. I’d rather come on here and say all this because I feel like the people who read this stuff usually understand what I’m saying (hence you following me or reading what I put or whatever). It’s not that I’m afraid of people not understanding my feelings in the real world. I just don’t want to be that guy who is always throwing my issues and sadness at others being like “Here deal with this for me”. That really isn’t me. So I’m here. Not asking you to help me or to even understand what I’m saying. I just want you to listen, or read in this case…shut up. On here people don’t throw in their own two cents. People can’t change my issue into something about them. I’m not as self centered as I used to be but if I want to rant to you then I want to rant to you about whatever it is, not try to help you with your shit as well as mine…and if you don’t want to hear me rant then I normally ask or let you know I’m upset.
I feel like I’ve strayed very far from the topic at hand. Yay caffeine. ANYWHOOO…what was I saying?…Oh, my feelings and shit. I would love to be with someone again. But every time I feel myself getting close I do something to mess it up. Do something that I know they don’t like. It’s not that it’s intentional…I guess I’m just afraid of being hurt and I self consciously push away any chances of being hurt.
Did you guys freaking know that in one of the seasons of Power rangers that a ranger dies? I’ve been a power ranger ever since the first season and I’m just finding this out from my power rangers netflix spree last night. I’m flabbergasted.
Right, my feelings. Umm..It’s not really that I do things that I know piss them off or that they don’t like. I just, I don’t know. I don’t do things, but yet I do. Do you understand at all? I’m just afraid. For the first time, I will admit that yes, I’m scared. Scared of something that can’t even happen right now because the opportunity for it to happen hasn’t even presented itself. I feel like this was the most pointless thing you’ve ever read in your life. You’re probably dumber now after reading this than you were before hand. Not calling you dumb, I’m just…having a conversation…with myself apparently. I should probably delete this and try to rewrite another one later or something, but whatever.
I want to be able to love someone again. I want to be able to care about someone the way I used to. I hate being alone. My heart’s an endless winter, filled with rage. I’m looking forward to forgetting yesterday.