The Dragon

The Dragon

The dragon, a symbol of power, excellence, boldness, valiancy, nobility and heroism.

This was my first tattoo. I have always loved dragons, not only the mythological creature, but what it symbolizes as well. For the longest time I thought that I shared a lot of traits with the dragon, but now I realize that it is not that that’s who I thought I was, more like it’s who I wanted to be.
To me, my dragon represents the difficult times I went through on my own. I’ve been in the lowest of the low and came out of it. I may not have come out stronger, but here I am.

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No sleep + coffee = whatever this is

I haven’t slept and have been downing coffee, so bear with me please :). 

I have trust issues. I haven’t let many people in lately. The last person I gave 100% to threw it in my face (you may have actually read about that from a few months ago). I’ve refused to let anyone see that part of me again. I’ve refused to allow myself to fall for someone, to let them too close. I’ve pushed people away unknowingly because I don’t want the same thing to happen again. I don’t mean to, but my self conscious is always on the alert that the same shit is going to happen if I let someone that close. Yeah, maybe it will again but I just won’t even give it the chance to get even half that far. I’ve had the chance to be in relationships, to have something with someone, but I’ve done something to stop it. Or I just stopped  talking to them in general. I’d rather come on here and say all this because I feel like the people who read this stuff usually understand what I’m saying (hence you following me or reading what I put or whatever). It’s not that I’m afraid of people not understanding my feelings in the real world. I just don’t want to be that guy who is always throwing my issues and sadness at others being like “Here deal with this for me”. That really isn’t me. So I’m here. Not asking you to help me or to even understand what I’m saying. I just want you to listen, or read in this case…shut up. On here people don’t throw in their own two cents. People can’t change my issue into something about them. I’m not as self centered as I used to be but if I want to rant to you then I want to rant to you about whatever it is, not try to help you with your shit as well as mine…and if you don’t want to hear me rant then I normally ask or let you know I’m upset.

I feel like I’ve strayed very far from the topic at hand. Yay caffeine. ANYWHOOO…what was I saying?…Oh, my feelings and shit. I would love to be with someone again. But every time I feel myself getting close I do something to mess it up. Do something that I know they don’t like. It’s not that it’s intentional…I guess I’m just afraid of being hurt and I self consciously push away any chances of being hurt. 

Did you guys freaking know that in one of the seasons of Power rangers that a ranger dies? I’ve been a power ranger ever since the first season and I’m just finding this out from my power rangers netflix spree last night. I’m flabbergasted.

Right, my feelings. Umm..It’s not really that I do things that I know piss them off or that they don’t like. I just, I don’t know. I don’t do things, but yet I do. Do you understand at all? I’m just afraid. For the first time, I will admit that yes, I’m scared. Scared of something that can’t even happen right now because the opportunity for it to happen hasn’t even presented itself. I feel like this was the most pointless thing you’ve ever read in your life. You’re probably dumber now after reading this than you were before hand. Not calling you dumb, I’m just…having a conversation…with myself apparently. I should probably delete this and try to rewrite another one later or something, but whatever. 

I want to be able to love someone again. I want to be able to care about someone the way I used to. I hate being alone. My heart’s an endless winter, filled with rage. I’m looking forward to forgetting yesterday. 

Windows

Windows

What am I afraid of?
Well lets get the obvious out of the way first. Spiders. I don’t even have to explain myself with that one.
Now, fun time. I have an irrational fear of windows. It’s not just when it’s dark either. Although during the day I am much more comfortable with them. I almost always have to know what is outside of any window. I will literally stand at a window for tens of minutes just looking at what is out there or where “things” could be. Maybe it was from watching too many scary movies when I was young. Maybe it was being startled by my own reflection. Maybe it was because I lived in the middle of the woods for a long time and had a vivid imagination. Maybe it was something an objects reflection that looked like a face and now I’m traumatized. I don’t recall a reason. I do however remember the window that I first became afraid of. It was a window in my grandmothers house that faced the only little bit of trees that was in our little neighborhood. I remember just being tall enough that my head was just visible in the reflection. It was next to the tv in the living room. Meaning, of course, that it was always there and I could always see it.
It’s not that I’m afraid of the dark or afraid of being murdered or even afraid of dying. I’m just afraid of what could be outside of the window or just looking into the eyes of someone about to come into my abruptly ending life. It’s not even that I’m afraid of my life abruptly ending (I guess that ties in with dying), it’s just that feeling of helplessness I guess.
Even something like seeing a spider on the sleeve of my shirt will freeze my entire body and leave me feeling paralyzed. So if a spider can do that to me then I’m entirely afraid of what seeing a face looking back at me from the other side of a window would do. Of course I’d like to think that I’d be fine because I’m a man and shouldn’t be afraid of things and should be ready to protect myself and blah blah derpy fuckin doo. Go up to Stalones house, stare at him through his window, I am willing to bet all the money I’ll ever make that you scare the shit out of him. Well…I don’t know…maybe this is just me.
I was going to try to make up a creepy story about windows but I figured I’d tell you why I’m afraid of them and what reason I even had to want to write something about them in the first place. I’m sure some people probably laugh at how ridiculous this is, but I don’t care. I’m sure you’re afraid of something embarrassing, you’re just too proud to admit it.

Something I can never have

I still recall the taste of your tears.
Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears.
My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore.
Scraping through my head ’till I don’t want to sleep anymore.

You make this all go away.
You make this all go away.
I’m down to just one thing.
And I’m starting to scare myself.
You make this all go away.
You make this all go away.
I just want something.
I just want something I can never have

You always were the one to show me how
Back then I couldn’t do the things that I can do now.
This thing is slowly taking me apart.
Grey would be the color if I had a heart.

Come on tell me

In this place it seems like such a shame.
Though it all looks different now,
I know it’s still the same
Everywhere I look you’re all I see.
Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be.

Come on tell me

I just want something I can never have

Mask

Mask

There are only so many people who know the real me. Who know what I have locked deep inside of myself. I can’t even begin to understand where I would be if I didn’t have those 2 or 3 real friends. The rest of my “friends” are the kind of people who will judge you for your life choices and tell the world your life. They’ll turn on you in a second if it even slightly benefits them.
I wake up every morning and check my phone, not to see what time it is, but to see if the girl texted me. The one girl that I’ve allowed in. The first girl I’ve allowed in for so long. She makes me feel like I don’t have to hide the me on the inside. I don’t think she really understands how much she really means to me. It’s unbelievable really…how much she makes me feel like everything will be ok…like absolutely everything is going to be perfect. It’s insane. I go to sleep at night and I download all of my problems onto myself. Most nights it takes several hours for me to fall asleep. Some nights I can’t sleep at all, leaving me to wallow in my mind until the next morning, when I have to put my mask back on for the world. I was once in a very dark place. I was so close to suicide. I hide that dark part of my past from the world because it makes me feel weak. It makes me feel weak because of how selfish I was. To think of taking my life without caring about the consequences. Of course I thought about the people who would care, not that I could think of many. Wow, this is getting really dark really fast. Sorry about that.
It would be awesome if I had something uplifting and inspirational to say at the end of all of this like: “you just gotta stick with it and truck through” or some shit like that. But unfortunately I don’t. I guess I can tell you this though: It’s not really about how your friends look at you, or what they say to you. When I contemplated suicide, I didn’t tell anyone. It was all me. It was me who forced myself through it. It was me who was strong for me. Not my friends who were strong for me. I didn’t put my burdens on my friends backs and expect them to lift me up (I mean I told someone afterwards, in the post depression). When you’re that low, it’s up to you to pick yourself up. Yeah, help from friends or family is awesome, but deep down it’s what you think matters and will get you through that rough spot.
There, I guess I did have something uplifting to say. Now, excuse me, I have a mask to wear.

Just live

The worst decision I have ever made was indecision. I either made a mistake and learned from it, or did something right and was proud. I can only offer the advice that my more outgoing side always offers me: “Fuck it”. Shit happens, the sun will rise in the morning. Don’t be afraid of mistakes, be afraid of never getting a second chance. Throw caution to the wind and never look back. The past happened, we’re just going to have to live and learn from it. Go talk to her, go give him a chance. Don’t be afraid of who you are. We don’t need their approval to be happy. 

I don’t know you. I don’t know what you’re going through. No matter how much I hurt, I will not let someone else hurt more. My time is worth your happiness, and if I do nothing more in this life than try to help someone, then the universe can go fuck itself. I played my part. 

I’m tired

I’m tired of feeling alone.

I’m tired of pouring my heart into people who are never there.

I’m tired of waiting for happiness.

I’m tired of disregarding my emotions.

I’m tired of feigning happiness for the sake of others.

I’m tired of expecting disappointment.

I’m tired of being disappointed.

I’m tired of wishing someone would care.

I’m tired of feeling like no one cares.

I’m tired of being shattered by the people who say they care.

I’m tired of breathing.

I’m so tired

And all I want is to rest my eyes