Far From Home

I can always call Pennsylvania my home, but it will never be where I belong. I will always have friends and loved ones here, but it’s not where I want to be. I don’t expect anyone to understand, and the ones that tried to understand are the ones that really care and really matter. I have to stay out here much longer than I wanted. I want nothing more than to get out there as soon as possible, but to do so would ruin my military career and my entire future. I have never felt the way I do now about a place or even a person.
I am nineteen years old and I feel like I know exactly what I want with my life. Maybe not what I want to do job wise, but who i want to be with and where I want to be. It’s crazy to think about.
I still wonder what makes the human mind love. What is it that tells us that we have found the right person? I’m not really sure what makes people love or what brings people together. What is it that draws people like us together? I might know what draws us in, but I’m definitely not sure about what keeps us there. We have been through so much…things that would have ended friendships for other people, not only did we make it through it but we came out stronger than before. I’m doing what I can to be out there, but it is going to have to wait about a month. A month feels like too long for me…a month IS too long for me. I’m going to go insane. Nonetheless, I will see you again soon. Even if it’s just phone calls and skype everyday to get through the days.
Soon

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So far away

I was wrong. All of this is wrong. It’s about time to start fixing everything and doing what I want with my life. It’s my life and I’ll do with it what I will. I understand all the negative criticism that I will and have received, but please just let me do what I want. I want nothing more than to go back home. I don’t belong here…just because my friends are here doesn’t mean this is the place for me. I’m going to do absolutely everything I can to get this done. I care about what other people have to say, it just doesn’t bother me what they think. I hate that I’ve done this to everyone around me and that I’m doing it again, but I’m not living for them or to make them happy.

I guess there’s a lesson to be learned in all of this, do what makes you happy and not what others want you to, because no matter what you will always long for what made you happy. No one will understand why I’m doing this and I’ll have to explain myself to everyone and people are going to be mad and blah blah blah, typical though.

I’m doing this for me. And this time it’ll be right.  

A journey to rebuild what once was

Stop watch

The importance of such a small thing can be incredibly great. I cherish this like I would something that a dying family member would give me. I don’t know what I would have done if I were to permanently lose you. I know that I now have to rebuild our trust and our friendship, but I’d rather that than never see or talk to you again. You are one of my best friends and I care about you so so much.
I want you to see your pocket watch and think of me. I want you to think of it as a symbol of the time until I see you again.

Is it over

This is the moment that I feared the most
Helplessly watching as we turn to ghosts
Is it over
Tell me if it’s over
This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done
Hopelessly waiting as you turn and run
Is it over
Is it really over

I promised you that I would change
Then I broke it in a million ways
I alone take the blame
While you take everything
Why can’t we start this over
What have we done to us
You say that you need closure
Are you just giving up on us

I refuse to fade away
As you try to forget me
Take my heart and walk away
Like you wish you never met me

Now that I know that you’re not on my side
What good is love if it’s always denied
Is it over
Is it really over

I swore to God that I could change
But I let you down a million ways
I alone take the blame
While you take everything
Why can’t we start this over
What have we done to us
You say that you need closure
Are you just giving up on us

I refuse to fade away
As you try to forget me
Take my heart and walk away
Like you wish you never met me

Like you wish you never met me
Like you wish you never met me
Like you wish you never met me
Do you wish you never met me

Why can’t we start this over
What have we done to us
You say that you need closure
Are you just giving up

Why can’t we start this over
What have we done to us
You say that you need closure
Are you just giving up us

I refuse to fade away
As you try to forget me
Take my heart and walk away
Like you wish you never met me

I refuse to fade away
As you try to forget me
Take my heart and walk away
Like you wish you never met me

Like you wish you never met me
Like you wish you never met me
Like you wish you never met me
Do you wish you never met me

Everyone I know goes away in the end

It’s not that I’ve been depressed lately…it’s more of a…silly sadness. And it’s not just because I’ve been talking to you again, it had started a few days prior. Is there something that just isn’t allowing me to be fully happy? What is it that I have to do? Do I literally have to rid my life of everyone? Just sit in a dark secluded room, with no human contact. Like I said a month ago, moving isn’t going to make anything easier. I ran away from my problems and they followed me here…just like I anticipated.

Change

It’s incredible how much one conversation can change everything. I thought that things changed, but in reality it was just the lack of talking put together with the distance. It’s amazing how much the human mind lies to itself or covers up what it truly feels. The human mind truly is a crazy thing. It’s unpredictable and almost uncontrollable. You can fool yourself into believing whatever you want, but until that thing slaps you in the face you never ever really know. Some things just can’t change that quickly. 

Everything to you is nothing

I remember when all the games began
Remember every little lie and every last goodbye
Promises you broke; words you choked on
And I never walked away; it’s still a mystery to me

Well, I’m so empty
I’m better off without you and you’re better off without me
Well, you’re so unclean
I’m better off without you and you’re better off without me

The lying, the bleeding, the screaming
Was tearing me apart
The hatred, deceiving, the bleeding
It’s over

Paint the mirrors black, to forget you
I still picture your face and the way you used to taste
Roses in a glass, dead and wilted
To you, this all was nothing
Everything to you is nothing

Well, you’re so filthy…
I’m better off without you and you’re better off without me
Well, I’m so ugly
You’re better off without me and I’m better off without—

The lying, the bleeding, the screaming
Was tearing me apart
The hatred, the beatings, disaster
It’s over

As wicked as you are…
You’re beautiful to me
You’re the darkest burning star
You’re my perfect disease

The lying, the bleeding, the screaming
Was tearing me apart
The hatred, the beatings, disaster
It’s over

It’s over now…