Coward

I stay up late just to sleep the next day away. It doesn’t always work, sometimes I go to sleep at 4 and wake up at 7, and cannot go back to sleep. That’s pretty much been the whole last week. I preoccupy myself with games so that I don’t have to worry about my real life. I’m sick of worrying, sick of waiting, sick of all the shame. And I know that moving isn’t going to help. Sure, I’ll be around friends (which is a huge step from now), but I feel like I just can’t escape everything by running away. Which is exactly what I’m doing…running away. When you look at everything on paper, yeah, moving out there looks great. I have a job interview soon after I get there. I’m back with my unit. I have my college entrance exam payed for and am taking it about a week after getting there. I have a place to live, I actually have two places to live. I’m pretty sure I know where I want to go to school and am thinking I know what I want to go for. Hell yeah, all that sounds really nice, considering what I’ve accomplished here is next to nothing. I just…ugh..I just don’t feel right about it. Everything seems too good. Ya know? Like there’s no way that all this is going to work out. The rug will be pulled out from under me and I’ll fall on my face, just like always. I have wonderful friends and people to go home to, but I feel like they might be disappointed with me. Mainly because they think I’m this great person or good guy, but I don’t at all feel that way about myself..and am afraid that things will just go back to how they were before.

I don’t mean to be a pessimist, but I can’t help it. I’ve thought of every single thing that can go wrong and have worried about every single one of them.  I do this with everything though. I worry myself to death all the time. I don’t mean to do it, but if I had to answer why I do, I’d probably say that I do it to prepare myself for the absolute worst that can happen. Like, if I prepare myself for my plane to go down and everyone on board dying, but all that happens is I get put in an aisle seat, then I’m not really too upset because I was prepared to go down. See what I’m saying? Or am I out of my mind? I think it’s a reasonable enough answer.

Anyways, I know I’m being ridiculous about everything. And I know everything will be fine (for the most part). But ya know, here I am…worrying.

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