Nihil est facilis

I’m doing my best to stay strong. The weight of my situation is weighing me down and making the days seem slow and without cause. Today was really bad for my coughing. I went for a run, which I think triggered it and made it worse. I had brushed my teeth and then had a really bad coughing fit and started spitting blood. I’m not sure if it were from brushing my teeth, or coughing, but it didn’t seem like a bleeding gums kinda bleeding. Anyways, I wasn’t really too worried about it. Sometimes I hope that it’s something much worse that it is. I sometimes actually want it to be lung cancer…just because.

Can you love someone but pretend that they don’t exist? I’m in the process of figuring that out. I want so bad to be mad and just forget and move on. I have every reason in the world to be mad, but right now it’s almost impossible.

I’m trying to get my life back together, trying to get my ACT test set up so that I can go to school next semester. Going to get back with my unit so that I can continue to train. My friends parents (who I will be living with) are already looking for jobs for my friend and I this summer…and neither of us are even there yet.

Moving has a lot of positives, and I try to keep focusing on them instead of the negatives. It’s just much harder than it sounds. I promise myself that it won’t be another 9 years until I see my mom and brother again. I will not let that happen.

9 days…we’re down to 9 days. The days seem so slow but that day seems to be speeding towards me. It’s definitely something, knowing that you’re going to be moving across the country, even if it is back to your home and to all your friends. To be leaving behind family is always hard. I’ve had one thing on my mind for most of the days. It’s almost impossible to stop thinking about, but whenever I do stop thinking about it…it’s peaceful. I’ve only had one…maybe two days that I didnt think about it. And they were great days. Today when I woke up, the first thing I did for some reason was get on facebook on my phone. I saw one thing and I knew that today was going be awful…and for the most part it was.

If I could make any of this any easier, I would. In a heartbeat.

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