Restraints

I’ve changed so much in the past four years. I actually stop and worry if what I’m going to say is going to upset you or not. I have so many things to say, so many things to point out and use. If I was put in this situation a few years ago, I would have said everything on my mind and not care about the consequences or how mad I would’ve made you. Today, however, I typed a paragraph…deleted it…typed another…deleted it…typed another…deleted it. Just because I didn’t want to upset you or make you mad. I can’t allow myself to be that kind of person again. I want to care, I want to be able to refrain from saying things I shouldn’t. But….goddamn has it been difficult lately. I can’t even believe some of the things that have happened. I have trust issues with people for a reason. It’s not just random or unprovoked. 

I hope you’re not trying to push me away, because I really want to see you again before I leave. Talk about everything…all of this…needs to be talked about. We both just need to actually tell each other everything…which I feel hasn’t been happening. If I don’t see you before I leave, then we’ll probably never see each other again. 

I’d love to talk and know what’s going on with you. The days sure are weird without you. I see pictures of you, and just have to sit there…you’re so beautiful. I feel like I’m stuck in a very repetitive circle.  I wish I could say that my trying to stop is working, but it really isn’t. 

I want so bad to be mad at you…but I’m so worried about permanently losing you that it outweighs my anger. Nothing is more frustrating than the constant mental struggle with ones self about what to feel.  

I’m just really glad I’m not the same person I used to be. 

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