I’m not happy. I wear a fake smile around the house and act like nothing is wrong when I’m on skype with my friends. I want to be happy again. I try to show that I’m happy, that this is for the best. But underneath my world is crumbling and I’m straining to hold it together. I’m trying to stop caring so much about you. I’m trying so hard to let everything go and move on….like you have.
I was asked earlier today; “If I can put you into a unit tomorrow, would that keep you from leaving?” I’m sorry…but did you just wait 8 months to tell me that you could do it by tomorrow? In one night? If that had happened several months ago then I wouldn’t be in this situation. I’d be in a unit, ergo meaning I’d be able to go to school. I would have never been that child that needed taken care of by someone else.
Of course my response to the question was only “I already have my plane ticket”, which is true…but it made me think and realize that I really don’t want to have to leave.
I thought I found happiness in this place, that I could finally settle in one spot and be happy. Granted, I lived in PA for 9 years, but it’s different. This place is beautiful and desirable to live in, I had you, and even when I didn’t “have” you, you were still here. I was happy. I can’t give up something so easily that made me so happy.
I want to stop thinking about you so often, but you’re always on my mind. I miss you. And there’s nothing I can do about it. When I want to write something I usually only think of things about you. And knowing that I have a little over two more weeks before I am gone, just makes me wonder if every day is going to be like this.
Leaving never gets any easier.