Why?

I’m not a very outgoing person, but this is better than not talking at all I guess.

A few months ago I made a big decision to move from PA to CO. Things were going well, except of course for the fact that I left behind all of my friends and knew nobody but my mother, brother, and one friend that I met back when I visited in 2011. I made the move so that I could heal the relationship between my mother and I. It had been 9 years since I’ve seen her, so I thought moving out here and starting schooling would be helpful. It’s been about 8 months since I moved here and things still aren’t going well. My mother kicked me out of the house because of money issues, so I had to move in with the one friend that I have. That friend and I became really close before all these issues started. I had fallen in love. I had never felt that close to anyone so quickly. We had our ups and downs, like a typical friendship/relationship, but I feel like things really started to get out of hand when I moved in. I can’t even begin to describe how awful I feel for personally ruining the relationship we had. I never meant to hurt you, but I did and I can’t take it back. I know now that you feel like I am a mistake and am the worst part of your life. That hurts to know. I know that you say things to other people and it hurts that you talk to them about things before me, so I look at your conversations sometimes. I know that it bothers you a lot, but just knowing makes me feel at least a little better. I’d rather know what you’re thinking than sit in the dark and be oblivious to everything around me. You are no doubt one of my best friends, for us to achieve that kind of relationship in less than a few months is quite impressive. 

But I’m afraid I’m going to be leaving. I’m going to be moving back to PA. I don’t want to, but I feel like I have to. There is nothing for me here but you, my mother and my brother. And I can’t cling onto a relationship that will never happen again. I know that you want me to leave, that you want what is best for me, but I feel like your drive for me to be happy comes from your drive to be back with your long lost lover.

I have incredible friends in PA who are more than willing to help me move back, and I love them very much. As for you, I love you so much more than I could ever even want to explain. No matter how far away, I’ll always be there for you.

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