Red

Everything is red. Signs: red, lights: red, mirrors: red, windows: red, mailboxes: red, rims: red, plates: red, shirts: red, hands: red. 

Red polka dots, red lines, red smiley faces, red phallus’s, red scribbles, red smears. 

And I regret nothing…well…maybe that we didn’t get a different color.

 

Same ol same ol

Every day is a headache. I didn’t at all forget about the kids here, but what I did forget about is the children screaming…all the time. I am so grateful though, for the people letting me live with them, its such an amazing thing for them to do, especially considering all of the children. I haven’t been here for a week yet and I have already seen just how two faced all of my “friends” can be. It wasn’t talk about me, just talk about other people that are supposed to be their friends. Just same old same old around here I guess. I was hoping to escape that, the two faced hypocrisy, when I left co, but sadly I haven’t. 

Being so far away from somebody is affecting me so much differently this time around. I can’t explain it, and I never will be able to. I’m trying to move on, it just takes a little bit of time. There is progress though.

Gah…I just…can’t get certain things out of my head. I just need more time, which I have plenty of.

Hellos and Goodbyes

Yesterday I had to say goodbye to my mom, brother, and not only one of my best friends, but someone very very special to me. The thought of you haunts me. I keep thinking back to yesterday and the last few hours we spent together. That was very special, and meant so so much. I regret letting you down and wish that I would’ve done so much more. I’ll see you again, I promise.

Last night I was also reunited with my friends. Seeing everyone waiting for me at the airport was almost overwhelming. I missed you all so much and am so glad everyone came to see me.

Yesterday was one of those days that are so full of so many different emotions that it’s just too much to deal with. It was easily one of the hardest days I’ve had in a long time. I not only left my mom and one of my best friends, but I also got to see and spend the night with friends that I haven’t seen in almost a year. I can’t imagine life without any of you, everyone I left in CO and everyone here in PA. I love you all.

I haven’t eaten since the night before leaving. I can’t. I’m just not hungry. Please…please don’t let this be a mistake.

24

I got about 85% of my stuff packed up tonight…and it’s been hitting me pretty hard. It’s not that I got to see her today, it’s just knowing that I’m leaving. Knowing that if you would have told me back in February that I’d be leaving then I wouldn’t have believed you.

Today is the twenty fourth. Every month, on every twenty fourth, something significant has happened between us, both good and bad. Today is the last day I am here. Probably the most significant thing that can happen. Twenty four is supposed to be my lucky number, my favorite number, not be the ironic day that everything happens on. 

I wanted to drink tonight, just drink away this sorrow of leaving. But I couldn’t find much. I did have a bit, but not enough to do anything. I’m so excited to see all of my friends, but at the same time I’m dreading leaving. I’ve never been so consistently torn between two things for so long. I honestly can’t do one thing without worrying about the other.  

Coward

I stay up late just to sleep the next day away. It doesn’t always work, sometimes I go to sleep at 4 and wake up at 7, and cannot go back to sleep. That’s pretty much been the whole last week. I preoccupy myself with games so that I don’t have to worry about my real life. I’m sick of worrying, sick of waiting, sick of all the shame. And I know that moving isn’t going to help. Sure, I’ll be around friends (which is a huge step from now), but I feel like I just can’t escape everything by running away. Which is exactly what I’m doing…running away. When you look at everything on paper, yeah, moving out there looks great. I have a job interview soon after I get there. I’m back with my unit. I have my college entrance exam payed for and am taking it about a week after getting there. I have a place to live, I actually have two places to live. I’m pretty sure I know where I want to go to school and am thinking I know what I want to go for. Hell yeah, all that sounds really nice, considering what I’ve accomplished here is next to nothing. I just…ugh..I just don’t feel right about it. Everything seems too good. Ya know? Like there’s no way that all this is going to work out. The rug will be pulled out from under me and I’ll fall on my face, just like always. I have wonderful friends and people to go home to, but I feel like they might be disappointed with me. Mainly because they think I’m this great person or good guy, but I don’t at all feel that way about myself..and am afraid that things will just go back to how they were before.

I don’t mean to be a pessimist, but I can’t help it. I’ve thought of every single thing that can go wrong and have worried about every single one of them.  I do this with everything though. I worry myself to death all the time. I don’t mean to do it, but if I had to answer why I do, I’d probably say that I do it to prepare myself for the absolute worst that can happen. Like, if I prepare myself for my plane to go down and everyone on board dying, but all that happens is I get put in an aisle seat, then I’m not really too upset because I was prepared to go down. See what I’m saying? Or am I out of my mind? I think it’s a reasonable enough answer.

Anyways, I know I’m being ridiculous about everything. And I know everything will be fine (for the most part). But ya know, here I am…worrying.

Time is the fire in which we burn

Time is the only thing that heals these kind of wounds. In time only scars will remain. Scars that will remind me of all the good…and the bad. In time though, scars fade. They lose their meaning, or you just forget.

Everything is lost in time. Nothing is forever. Just remember that everything will eventually end, and you’ll be happy.

Even life, the single most precious thing in the world, will end in time.

The key to happiness? Time.

Ducks

On the outside it looks like everything is fine and peaceful. You look calm. But on the inside you’re dealing with all these problems. Like a duck on the pond. On the surface everything looks calm, but beneath the water those little feet are churning a mile a minute.That’s just natural human behavior though, to fake happiness for the people around you.

Me? I’m just another duck on the pond.